Heavy Duty meets this chick at a run and they hit it off real good. They hang out all day and when evening comes, she pulls out some blotter acid and they both eat two hits. They wander off into the woods and, as the LSD kicks in, they start making out.
“Shit!” Heavy says, coming up for air. “It’s pitch black out here and I can’t see a fuckin’ thing. I wish I had a flashlight!”
“Me too,” answered the girl. “You’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.”

•

Candy got married young and had 10 kids. When her ol’ man died, she quickly married again and had 5 more rug rats. Sadly, her second husband died as well, so Candy found herself a new man, got hitched and popped out 8 more babies. Then she died.
At her funeral, surrounded by her 23 kids, the preacher talked about her three marriages and her long, fruitful life. “Let’s all be grateful they’re finally together,” he concluded.
“Do you think he means the first, second or third husband?” one of the mourners asked another.
The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

•

Gus Greybeard rode down to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. He waited in the long, slow moving line for almost three hours until finally he was called up to the counter. After explaining that he was applying for his Social Security check, the clerk asked him for proof of his age. He reached in his back pocket and realized he’d left his wallet at home. “Aww, shoot! Am I gonna have to ride all the way home, pick it up, ride all the way back here and then stand in this line again?” he asked. “I don’t think my old, arthritic legs can take it!”
“Well, there is another way,” said the clerk. “Unbutton your shirt.” Gus opened his shirt to reveal a chest full of curly, silver hair.
“That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” said the clerk with a wink, as she stamped ‘Approved’ on his application.
So Gus rode home and happily told his wife about the clerk at the Social Security office.
“Hmmpf,” she snorted. “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

•

Q: Why don’t blondes like vibrators?
A: They’re hard on their teeth.

•

Ratchet picked up an old lamp he found on the street and gave it a rub. Suddenly a genie appeared before him. “You have summoned me and now I must grant you one wish,” said the big, green mofo.
Being a few fries short of a Happy Meal, Ratchet didn’t think this offer all the way through. “Y’know, I’ve always wished I could pee whiskey,” he blurted out.
“It is done!” said the genie, vanishing in a puff of smoke.
Ratchet rode home, ran into the kitchen, and grabbed two glasses from the cupboard. He pulled out his dick and peed into them both. “Honey, get in here!” he called to his wife. “Try this!”
So his ol’ lady took a swig and, sure enough, it tasted like the finest Tennessee sippin’ whiskey she’d ever had. So Ratchet continued to pee into the two glasses and the pair drank until well past midnight.
The next evening, Ratchet grabbed two more glasses from the cupboard and called his wife into the kitchen. He grabbed his dick out of his pants and peed into the glasses. They clinked glasses and took a gulp. Then another. And another. He kept peeing and they kept drinking until sun up.
When he finally awoke, Ratchet stumbled into the kitchen, grabbed a glass and had a little hair o’ the dog. “Hey,” said his ol’ lady, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Where’s my glass?”
“No more glass,” said Ratchet, reaching in his jeans. “From now on, you drink straight from the bottle!”

•

Animal is hanging out the local tavern when he notices a hot-hot-hottie by herself at the bar. So he saunters up to her and starts makin’ small talk. After a couple of minutes, he asks, “So, what’s your name?”
“Carmen Jewels,” she replies.
“What a pretty name,” Animal says. “Did your mother give it to you?”
“No, I named myself,” purrs the hottie.
“Interesting,” Animal replies, moving in closer. “Why Carmen Jewels?”
Smiling, she says, “Because I like cars, men and jewels. And what is your name?”
“Bud Pussyweed,” he answers.

•

Q: What does a 75 year-old woman have between her tits that a 25 year-old doesn’t?
A: Her belly button.

•

It’s Sunday morning and already Bacardi Bill is drunk as a skunk. He stumbles from his campsite down to the river, where a bunch of Bikers for Christ are holding a baptism service.
Bill walks right into the water, next to the preacher. “Brother, are you ready to find Jesus?”
“Ssshurr,” Bill answers. The preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. “Did you find Jesus?” he asks, pulling Bacardi Bill back up.
“Nawww, not yet!” answers Bill.
The preacher dunks him again and this time he leaves him under for a good bit longer.
“Now, brother, have you found Jesus?” cries the preacher, pulling Bill to the surface.
“Noooo, nope.”
Again the preacher dunks Bill in the water and forcibly holds him under for 30 seconds.
“Good God man, have you found Jesus yet?”
“Uh-uh,” replies Bacardi Bill. “You shurr thizz iz where he ffffell in?”

•

Q: What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

•

“Whew, it’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” sighed Black Jack as he stepped out of the shower, buck naked and dripping wet. “Darlin’, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn just like this?”
His wife gave him a quick glance. “Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

•

Snake decides to end his life of conning and crime and get a straight job. He rides down to the Mega Mart and speaks to the manager, who takes one look at his application and says, “You have no experience. Why should I hire you?”
“Well,” answers Snake, stroking his Fu Manchu, “cuz I can sell anything. Shit, mister, I can sell ice to an Eskimo!”
So the manager hires him. At the end of the first day, after the store has closed, the manager finds Snake in the locker room and asks, “So, hot shot, how many sales did you make today?”
“Just one,” came the reply.
“Just one!” screamed the manager. “Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was it for?”
“One hundred and thirty five thousand four hundred and two dollars and forty seven cents.”
“$135,402.47! What the hell did you sell?”
Snake leaned back and started stroking his ‘stache. “Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a large fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him over to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook & you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK!?”
“Well, not exactly,” Snake replied. “He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, “Well, since your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.”