DRUNK-ASS FOOL SPECIAL
THOROUGHLY TRASHED
Upon waking that fateful morning, we imagine the first thing that crossed William M. Bowen’s mind was, “Is that smell coming from me?” Followed immediately by, “Holy shit, I’m in a garbage truck!”
After a night of heavy drinking with some buddies, Bowen apparently crawled into a commercial trash bin for a little shut-eye and awoke only when he and the contents of the bin were being dumped into a compactor truck. The driver was just about to activate the crushing mechanism when he heard Bowen screaming and saw him standing on top of the garbage pile in the truck.
We’d like to offer William a little advice: getting trashed will only lead to getting shit-faced so get ready to wake up in the sewer any day now.

BIG WHEELS KEEP ROLLIN’
When a patrolling squad car in the village of Ventschow, Germany witnessed a man in a wheelchair navigating the open road late one Saturday night, they figured the guy’d probably had one too many. In fact, he’d had about twenty too many, blowing an astounding 0.50 percent blood alcohol content—10 times the legal limit in Germany and 0.10 percent higher than what is considered a potentially lethal level.
He told cops that he was simply wheelin’ home after a night of drinking with friends and was only about a mile away. When officers attempted to load him into an ambulance to take him to the emergency room, the very handi-capable man put up such a fight the cops gave up and instead provided him with a police escort.

MORE POWERFUL THAN A LOCOMOTIVE—NOT!
After throwing back a bottle of whiskey, Deborah Thompson, 54, decided to wander on down to the railroad tracks and hail a train. When the approaching Union Pacific freighter didn’t slow down, she stood on the tracks, determined to stop the 200 hundred-ton locomotive.
“She thought she could move faster than the train,” said police sergeant Phil Spadini.
Thrown approximately 30 feet upon impact, Thompson was Medivaced to an area hospital in critical condition, with head injuries and a fractured thighbone. She called her actions “being silly.”

THE REASON HOT POCKETS WERE INVENTED
After a day spent hitting the bottle, Walter Fordyce got so pissed at his girlfriend, Mary McCann, for refusing to nuke his roast beef sandwich that he knocked her to the ground, threw the microwave at her and then beat her to death.

Fordyce claimed the death was accidental and that he’d run to a neighbor’s for help but no one was there. He then returned home and found that Mary had no pulse, so he did what any man who’d beat a woman to death for not heating up his snack would do. He sat down and drank a beer, then casually strolled to another neighbor’s house to call 911.
In a fitting example of karmic retribution (or prisoner vigilantism), Fordyce died of “unknown causes” a month later at the State Correctional Facility in Camp Hill, Cumberland County.

GUT BUSTER
A 21-year-old Australian man spent a week on life support after a bout of power drinking caused his stomach rupture. While at a birthday party in a suburb of Perth, the guy was persuaded to strap on a helmet fitted with a jug attached to a pump that ran off of a power drill. A hose sticking out of the pump was placed in the man’s mouth and the drill was switched on, pushing beer down his throat.
The beer was forced into the man with such intensity that it tore a nearly 4-inch long hole in his gut, pushing the brew straight into his abdominal cavity.
“I knew something wasn’t right soon after I drank from it,” explained the genius. “I started spewing up red stuff and was in a lot of pain.