PAINT THE TOWN BROWN
Some folks celebrate the 4th of July with a barbecue and fireworks, others like to use the day off to got out and paint the town red, but 21 year-old Matthew J. Sodoma celebrated our country’s birthday by attempting to paint the town of Elgin, Iowa brown—with his own feces.
Sodoma was observed taking a dump outside of the Valley Community Coalition, then picking it up and smearing it on the doors of the building. The Coalition’s principle mission is to reduce substance abuse in the area’s school district…we can only guess that Sodoma wasn’t one of their success stories.

GOT DA GAT IN HIS FAT
When George Vera, who weighs over 500 pounds, was arrested for selling bootleg CDs, he underwent a total of four body searches: once at the scene of the crime, a second time when he arrived at the city jail, before he was transferred to the Harris County Jail, and finally at the county lockup.
But it wasn’t until Vera was ordered to take a shower, approximately 38 hours after his arrest, that he informed guards he had a 9mm gun and 2 clips hidden between his rolls of fat.
Further searching also revealed a stray sock, somebody’s car keys and the skeletal remains of D.B. Cooper.

DUCK & COVER
The day started out good enough for Seattle resident Kenneth Blaine Quinlan. After stopping by the methadone clinic to get his dose, he picked up his girlfriend and her pet duck, Mr. Peepers, and headed to a local shopping center. Duck in hand, his girlfriend headed to Petco and Quinlan wandered into Linens & Things—where he proceeded to shoplift and iPod cover.
As he strolled out the store, security was hot on his trail. He jumped into his car and the security guard opened the passenger side door to jump in. Just then his girlfriend, with Mr. Peepers in her arms, came running out of the Petco and in her attempt to stop Quinlan, was hit by the open passenger door and knocked to the ground, letting go of the duck.
A Petco employee, seeing that the duck was in trouble, ran to rescue Mr. Peepers and was hit by Quinlan in his desperate attempt to get away. All of the chaos rattled the would-be thief and he ended up rear-ending another car at which time he was apprehended. He’s now charged with two counts of third-degree assault and one count each of vehicular assault and hit-and-run. The cost of an iPod cover? About $12.

AND ALL SO HE COULD “DRAIN THE LIZARD”
Accused by a female train guard of exposing himself to her during a trip from Newcastle to Hartlepool, UK, 28-year-old Barry Kenny stood on trial for indecent exposure. After the prosecution had presented their case, Barry’s lawyer announced there was an easy way to prove his innocence, because the guard had not mentioned any distinguishing marks on Barry’s manhood.
With that, Barry proceeded to whip out his tally-whacker, revealing—and we’re quoting here—“a two-inch long lizard tattoo running the length of his penis.”
Two inches, huh? We’d rather take the rap.

BEST MAN NOT BUTT MAN
Stripper Linda Maree Naggs has been found not guilty of raping a man during a wild bachelor party. Hired to do an act called “Anal” by the accuser, who was best man to the groom at the bachelor party, Naggs perform a triple-X, audience-participation show.
At some point the groom became uncomfortable with his participation and so the best man stepped in for him. He stripped his pants and underwear down, got on all fours and let Naggs, who was wearing a strap on dildo, squirt lube on his ass and squat behind him making thrusting motions. At some point, the best man, who was also making thrusting motions, thrust too hard and the dildo penetrated him.
Screaming, “What the fuck did you do that for, you stupid bitch?” the accuser drug the naked Naggs upstairs, slapped her around and demanded his money back before throwing her out of the house.
This is the first time in history a chick has used the ol’ “It Just Slipped In” excuse.